You are God.
You are God.
My mother is disappointed in you; you’ve broken her heart. Before you have even opened your eyes to see the brilliance of the world or experienced your first wonderful sounds, you’ve hurt someone. Like father, like _____.
I want you to know that from this day forward (actually a few weeks ago, but no matter) everything that I do will be for me and you. Nothing else matters. Spread as much love as you possibly can Fetty, please. There is a dire shortage of it out here. Almost as if it’s such a precious commodity that people would rather hoard it and watch it deteriorate, than share it with others so that it can grow.
Hopefully by the time you’re able to start understanding life for yourself (I say when we have our first conversation about existentialism) that our lives have panned out nicely. I don’t want to get degrees just for the sake of having degrees. Do what you love my child, and try your darnedest to spread it to everyone. You hear me? No matter how much hate, or spite or pain you may have to endure. Even if it seems like you’re constantly hurting people unintentionally or losing loved ones. Even if everything you have ever known about the life that you’ve been living turns out to be a lie. Even if you can’t imagine seeing tomorrow. Still. Love. That’s all there ever is, that’s all there ever really will be.
Hate is real, Love is real. Choose wisely.
Love you to forever and back,
I wish my spirits were perpetually lifted whenever I write to you. Thus far, it has been anything but. My life as it is right now would play out as a commercial for antidepressants. I wish I could tell you what it is that is doing it. My living situation. My career situation. Social and emotional situation. Romantic situation. Everything and at the same time nothing. It’s the realization that choices that I’m making and going to make are going to dictate the rest of my life.
The post-grad angst of being out in the “real world” is hitting me hard. My delusions of “making it” are still firmly intertwined with my personal philosophy but the reality of living in a tiny state with little opportunity while becoming a mid twenties father is becoming all too real. The ‘what if’ thoughts have begun to gnaw away at my once unbreakable beliefs. “Getting out of here” is now being replaced by “getting a house” and steady income. Traveling the world giving way to comprehensive medical insurance and paid vacations. Thoughts of going away for higher education paling to hold a candle to the realism of student loans taking chunks out of an already dilapidated salary. My dreams themselves have begun to meld into something worse than even nightmares, practicality.
A degree that is useless, no skills, no connections, no plan, and worst of all, no motivation. Some days it is all I can do to just drag myself out of bed and toil away like a mindless drone at whichever corporation decides to purchase my vessel. The worst part is that I am aware enough to know that I am the master of my own world, if this is not the life I desire, then change it. It’s that simple. Not easy, but simple.
To have this kind of power, and not use it for the betterment of myself or anyone else is a crime against humanity itself. To not dedicate your life to enriching your spirit, everyday fetty, that is the worst thing a person can do to themselves. I’m self destructive Fetty. I can do bad all myself should be my life quote. I’m trying to change, for you, for me. I will change. It’s just hard accepting how long the process is. One day at a time I suppose. Life is forever.
This world that you will come to know is not a beautiful place. Correction: it is not JUST a beautiful place. Growing up you will come to learn that in everything that exists, there is an opposite side. The Yang, the tails, the black, the other half. I hope you come to understand that this complimentary piece is more than a label of “good or bad.” It is just the rest. The continuation. The necessary addition or subtraction for the final result.
This amazing, wonderous, bountiful blue dot that we will call home has more to offer than you or I will ever experience in both of our lifetimes. Some of it so sincerely breath taking and alluring that it brings you to tears for simply being able to experience moments in its presence. This, my little clementine, are the moments that humans have chosen to construct their entire existence around. The so called “Pursuit of Happiness.”
During this pursuit however, we will grow. Like everything else that is considered “living,” we must embark on an internal journey that forces not only our physical bodies to change, but our spiritual, and mental capacities as well. You are growing as I write this, amassing energies that are going to be used to transform you from a small clementine to an orange perhaps, or another citrus based fruit. You will continue to grow until one day, your lease, on the vessel containing your energies will have run its course, and it will return from where it came. This is our process. This is our cycle. This is our “life.”
The beauty in this life and the pursuit of happiness that engrosses it, is the journey. Please, don’t ever forget that. Because the beautiful moments may be spread very far from one another. The things that make you happiest may be so far out of reach that they seem inconceivable. The “beautiful place” that you have come to love, may become ugly.
These are the instances where true appreciation of your journey, of your growth, of your life, of your very breath, must take precedence. Those moments will come again Fetty, be patient. Your happiness will not elude you forever if your will and heart can sustain from wavering. This beautiful world, will become even more beautiful by what you give to it, know that. Nothing exists without something. So give this world, your life, everything.
I love you Fetty,