I wish my spirits were perpetually lifted whenever I write to you. Thus far, it has been anything but. My life as it is right now would play out as a commercial for antidepressants. I wish I could tell you what it is that is doing it. My living situation. My career situation. Social and emotional situation. Romantic situation. Everything and at the same time nothing. It’s the realization that choices that I’m making and going to make are going to dictate the rest of my life.
The post-grad angst of being out in the “real world” is hitting me hard. My delusions of “making it” are still firmly intertwined with my personal philosophy but the reality of living in a tiny state with little opportunity while becoming a mid twenties father is becoming all too real. The ‘what if’ thoughts have begun to gnaw away at my once unbreakable beliefs. “Getting out of here” is now being replaced by “getting a house” and steady income. Traveling the world giving way to comprehensive medical insurance and paid vacations. Thoughts of going away for higher education paling to hold a candle to the realism of student loans taking chunks out of an already dilapidated salary. My dreams themselves have begun to meld into something worse than even nightmares, practicality.
A degree that is useless, no skills, no connections, no plan, and worst of all, no motivation. Some days it is all I can do to just drag myself out of bed and toil away like a mindless drone at whichever corporation decides to purchase my vessel. The worst part is that I am aware enough to know that I am the master of my own world, if this is not the life I desire, then change it. It’s that simple. Not easy, but simple.
To have this kind of power, and not use it for the betterment of myself or anyone else is a crime against humanity itself. To not dedicate your life to enriching your spirit, everyday fetty, that is the worst thing a person can do to themselves. I’m self destructive Fetty. I can do bad all myself should be my life quote. I’m trying to change, for you, for me. I will change. It’s just hard accepting how long the process is. One day at a time I suppose. Life is forever.